Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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