If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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