Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
