Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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