why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
