I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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