So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
