I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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