Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
