today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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