My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
