I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
