he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
