After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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