So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
