just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
