i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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