ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Is it because I queefed?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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