do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
50% drunk capacity currently
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
