he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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