He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
