you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
