He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize