there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
