Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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