Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
