my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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