I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Let's get the cat blown out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
