I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
