My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
