last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
