Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
