If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this just has baby written all over it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
