You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
