my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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