i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
