I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
