maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
They have beer where we have blood.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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