not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
