Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
