I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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