i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The best revenge is premature balding
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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