I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
