dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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