listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
