I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
