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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
