I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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