i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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