im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
