apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
