She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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