so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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