it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
