ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Your cock deserves a montage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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