Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm bleeding and have questions
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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