did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
