Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
