I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
